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A blonde woman ran into a police station wailing. She claimed that she had been raped. After she stopped sobbing, the Police Officer requested her for a description of the rapist. "He was tall and dressed in white. He was wearing all sorts of protective pads, gloves and helmet." "Hmmm...appears to be a cricketer," concluded the policeman. "Ah officer!" she confirmed, "then he must have been an English cricketer." "What makes you think that he was English? From the accent?" asked the officer. "No sir," she replied, "he just didn't stay in very long." 

 

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Dating in the 60`s

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1961, and Fred had a date
> with Peggy Sue.
> He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
>
>
> 'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in..
> 'Have a seat in the living room.
> Would you like something to drink?
> Lemonade? Iced tea?'
> 'Iced tea, please,' Fred said.
> Mom brought the iced tea.
>
>
> 'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?'
> she asked.
> 'Oh, probably catch a movie,
> and then maybe grab a bite to eat at
> the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..'
>
>
> 'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mom informed him.
> 'Really?' Fred replied, his eyebrows rising.
> 'Oh yes,' the mother continued,
> 'When she goes out with her friends,
> that's all they do! Screw, again and again !!
> 'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous.
> 'Yes,' said the mother.
> 'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'
> 'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about alternate
> plans for the evening.
>
>
> A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture,
> wearing a pink blouse and a hooped skirt, white bobby socks and with her
> hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail.
> She greeted Fred.
> 'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.
>
> Two hours later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and
> slammed the front door behind her.
> 'The Twist, Mum!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen.
>
> 'The f**king dance is called the Twist !!!'

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Two blondes walk into a building..... you'd think at least one of
them would have seen it.
.

A blind man wanders into a lesbian biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" 

The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. 

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair - given that you are blind - that you should know five things: 

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 

3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter. 

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. 

Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke? 



"The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "Nah... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
 

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A blonde walks into a bar and ask for a double entendre, so the bar tender gave her one.

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As a couple, were heading out for the night and driving along a country lane...they hear a dull thud.

"Stop the car!" says the wife. "I think you've hit something".

They quickly pull over and realise that they've hit, what looks to be a very large Rabbit. On seeing it was still alive, the Wife insists that they put it in the car, to see if they can get it some help.

About two miles down the road, they see a Farmhouse, which is all lit up. They drive up the drive and ring the front door bell. When the owner of the Farmhouse comes to the door, the Wife says, "We've just hit this Rabbit. Is there anything you can do?"

The Farmer says, "That's not a Rabbit; it's a Hare...so I may just be able to help". They handed over the animal, which was wrapped in an old blanket and barely moving...and the Farmer took it inside.

Five minutes later, he arrived back at the door....and the Hare was struggling so hard to get away, he could hardly contain it. He quickly put the Hare on the ground, where it shot off...but to the utter amazement of the couple, the animal stopped after about 10 yards, turned around and waved. It went another few paces and waved again. it repeated this little ritual until the night swallowed it up.

When the Wife had gathered her jaw off the ground, she said, "What the hell did you do to it?"

"Simple", said the Farmer. "I used Hare restorer, with a Permanent Wave!"

Edited by CnoEvil

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Super Wammer

oh dear

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Super Wammer
8 minutes ago, CnoEvil said:

:oops:

i stole it of course ;) 

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Since the Pope is coming to Ireland, for the World Meeting of Families, I think it is an appropriate setting for a Pope joke....

When the Pope was last in the UK, he was having to go from Liverpool to London. Time was tight, so when the Pope Mobile broke down, he had to get a Taxi. At this stage, the Pope was running late, so when the Taxi Driver stayed within the speed Limit, the Pope tried to get him to put his foot down.

The man was unwilling to risk his licence, so the Pope  persuaded him to get into the back seat, while he (The Pope) took the wheel.

At the side of the Motorway, a Traffic Cop clocked the taxi doing 110 Mph...so gave chase and pulled the car over. He walked over and tapped on the window. The electric window lowered, allowing the Cop to see the driver. On seeing who it was, he said "Excuse me a moment", quickly retreated to his car and got on the Radio. When he got through to Control, this is how the conversation went:

Officer: "I've just pulled over a car for speeding...and the person is so important, I need advice about how to proceed."

Control: "Are you talking a Duke or a Duchess?"

Officer: "No, more important".

Control: "Royalty?"

Officer; "Even more important than that".

Control: "Who is more important than Royalty?"

Officer: "I don't know,...but he is so important, the The Pope is his Chauffeur!"

Edited by CnoEvil
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...and on a similar theme.

A Guy goes to the Barber to get his hair tidied up, before he heads away to Rome. While there, he gets asked the usual question - "Are you planning any holidays?"

The Barber is a bit of a know-it-all.....and when he hears where the chap is going, finds fault in everything. The Hotel has poor service, with rotten food; the Colosseum is hot and overcrowded and the queue for meeting with the Pope is so long, that it isn't worth the effort.

A month later, the chap is back for another trim...and the Barber asks him about his holiday. He replies that the Hotel couldn't have been better; they had a fantastic guide for the Colosseum and he paid to jump the queue to meet the Pope.

"Did the Pope speak to you?"

"Yes", said the Man

"So, what did he say?", asked the Barber

"Well", came the reply. "He wanted to know where I got such a shyte haircut".

Edited by CnoEvil
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