Ears

Jokes, old or new

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16 minutes ago, Ears said:

Just say 'No!' to drugs!!!

On the other hand, if I'm talking to my drugs, I've probably already said 'yes'.........

:hash:

wtf are Holland Barratt selling CBD tablets for ? Take kelp extract and shut your **** newbs. CBD is not light stuff we know. 
Jee I would go to more festivals but the crowds are ..... well .... THEm

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Ferrari took a decision for the British GP to hire a couple of Scousers as pit crew members when they found out they can remove all 4 wheels in under 0.8 seconds. But to Jean Todts dismay, after 1.5 seconds, the car was resprayed and sold to McLaren…

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"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

 

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As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officers funeral a voice was heard yelling - "I'm not dead! I'm not dead yet, let me out!"

It was at that moment that the Priest leant forward, sucking air through his teeth and muttered...

"Too fudging late pal, I've already done the paperwork!"

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If God moves in mysterious ways...

How come he has never been in the final of the World Break Dancing Championships?

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I can't believe how ungrateful my wife is.

I go to the trouble of buying her a birthday present and she just shouts at me because it's not what she wanted and I haven't even wrapped it myself.

I thought she liked fish and chips!

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A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted.
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut off your arms!"

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Super Wammer

that's terrible. love it

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Arnold Schwarzenegger at the age of seventy one is to star in a new Terminator film - Dark Fate later this year.

They have had to change his catchphrase slightly though to...

"Ah, me back!"

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Super Wammer

One for the Scots among us perhaps.

Spotty Glaswegian youth appearing before His Lordship for the hundred and oddth time.

Defending solicitor (to the accused) “So, you maintain that at the time of the alleged offence that you were visiting you brother for a tap?”

Sheriff (interrupting) (addressing the accused) “Oh, I didn’t know your brother was in the plumbing trade”

Defending solicitor “No no my Lord. I believe that my client was approaching his brother with the intention of seeking a loan of some money”

Youth (interrupting) “Naw. Yer baith wrang. Ah wiz seein him aboot a tap. A Rangers tap”

(translations on request)

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19 hours ago, wino2020 said:

One for the Scots among us perhaps.

Spotty Glaswegian youth appearing before His Lordship for the hundred and oddth time.

Defending solicitor (to the accused) “So, you maintain that at the time of the alleged offence that you were visiting you brother for a tap?”

Sheriff (interrupting) (addressing the accused) “Oh, I didn’t know your brother was in the plumbing trade”

Defending solicitor “No no my Lord. I believe that my client was approaching his brother with the intention of seeking a loan of some money”

Youth (interrupting) “Naw. Yer baith wrang. Ah wiz seein him aboot a tap. A Rangers tap”

(translations on request)

I'm half Scottish and I am not there yet. Embarrassing!!!!!

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1 minute ago, Colinjg said:

I'm half Scottish and I am not there yet. Embarrassing!!!!!

It took me a while, substitute top for tap. 

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