Ears

Jokes, old or new

Recommended Posts

An inspecting Brigadier decides to visit the psychiatric ward of an army hospital. He wants to show an interest in the unit and asks the nurse how they decide if a soldier needs to be admitted as a patient or just seen in out patients. 

"Well," says the QA psychiatric nurse, "we fill the bath with water and give the squaddie a mess tin and a spoon. He or she is then asked to empty the bath." 

"Ah I see!" exclaims the Brigadier, "A normal person would use the mess tin because it is larger and will take less time to empty the bath." 

"No Sir" sighs the psychiatric nurse, "A sane person would pull the bath plug. I'll get your bed ready Sir!" 

  • Haha 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly.
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!“ exclaims Daisy.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I've discovered it's bad etiquette when out having a meal, that it's not polite to lean over to the next table and ask, "Are you finished with that?"

Especially to a guy breaking up with his girlfriend...

  • Like 1
  • Haha 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I've gone and confused the words ’Yakuza’ with 'Jacuzzi’ ...

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia!

  • Haha 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."

He lost 33 lbs that week.

  • Like 1
  • Haha 2
  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
 
 
 
1 hour ago, Colinjg said:

Does your company have a benefits scheme for annuities or vouchers for the thickness of the pile of their official space carpeting? 

Or do they use Tile for Insurance REASONS

  • Haha 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.