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About Ears

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  1. Just called the tinnitus hotline. It didn’t stop ringing
  2. I'm a delivery driver for B&Q. I often spend hours a day on doorsteps and in lobbies waiting for people to accept their deliveries. Let that sink in.
  3. My Uncle used to say, "When one door closes, another opens". He was a decent philosopher, but a lousy cabinet maker.
  4. From our American cousins (Anybody here have American cousins???) A farmer had just gotten a new rooster for his hens and the old rooster of many years was worried he would be replaced. However, he had a cunning plan on dealing with this young rival. He went up to the new rooster and said "right, I'll make you a deal, let's race for the hens, one lap around the farmhouse. you win, I leave, I win, you leave." The new rooster, being much younger, clearly could see that he would easily beat this old timer entirely and agreed. "However" the old rooster added "since i'm obviously much older, you must wait until I've completed half of the lap before starting, so I have a fair chance" The younger rooster knew that even with that advantage, it was a shoe in, so he agreed. The race started and the older rooster set off, by the half way point he was already huffing and puffing, feeling his age. The younger rooster sped off like a rocket and was quickly catching up. By the time the older rooster was at the three quarter mark, he was almost out of breath, heaving desperately. The younger rooster was coming up right behind him, was seconds away from beating him. When suddenly BLAM! The farmer's shotgun rang out, the new rooster collapsed into a bloody heap of feathers. "Damn" the farmer sighed "third gay rooster this month"
  5. Yesterday, I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all morning.
  6. I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. Honest, I only intended to rough him up a bit.
  7. What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life? Reintarnation
  8. I'll never use that dictionary again... The definition it gave for "obfuscate" was confusing and misleading.
  9. Paddy is on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" and he is doing rather well. He is at the final question for a million pounds with Chris Tarrant he has only one life line left....phone a friend. The question comes: "Which bird does not make a nest?,: A) a Sparrow, B) a Swallow, C) a Blackbird or D) a Cuckoo Paddy doesn't know so he calls his friend Murphy. Murphy answers 'Bejesus Paddy, it's a cuckoo 100%.' Paddy follows the advice, wins the million pounds and is very happy. Afterward Paddy rings Murphy and asks him 'How did you know that? Murphy replies ' Well Paddy yer thick git...don't you know that it lives in a clock.'
  10. I'll never forget my grandfather's last words. "Stop shaking the ladder you little bastard!!!"
  11. Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3, 7, 8, 9? In charge of the sequence, Yoda was.
  12. I taught my wolf to meditate He's aware wolf now.